hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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