Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
