I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can text with my tongue
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
