Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have feelings that need drinking.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
