Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
the liver wants what the liver wants
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
