Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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