i don't plan on having that self control this summer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
