lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
