Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
