Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just had sex on a roof
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
