I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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