I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
