a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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