my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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