My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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