I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
