1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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