I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Randomize
