I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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