you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
