Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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