Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
