There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
