New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Less talking, more tequila
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
