Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
