I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
