i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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