also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
