Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
