After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
