She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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