U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
