my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
