when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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