well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
