Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
