i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
