Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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