It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
