I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
