I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
