Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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