I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
