okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
