Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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