I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
