I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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