from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
