I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
