i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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