Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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